Category: Joke Board
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find
something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch;
ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel
in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor
pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the
Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if
you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis,
and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the
blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern
baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to
be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Michael Jordan
cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up
on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the
electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You
can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the
Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe
not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the
blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a
shotgun. I don't care.
lol.
thanks for that tutorial on the blues. should try it lol
lol.
As a guitarist who loves the blues, let me say these stereotypes are all totally true.
Yup: Played with some blues outfits for a couple years in college, and yes yes yes on all counts! lol
lol... thanks for sharing this :)